So there you have it. 3 years, 9 months (which I believe is pretty much average.)
I’m very conscious that it is far from over. Every day I fluctuate in terms of my expected examiner mark, but I hope for 2 or 3 deep in my heart. It would be great to be able to graduate this year, but I suspect, as graduations are in September/October, that I will end up graduating in 2018. Which might be better, as those I am closest with at UTS will also likely be in that group. As I have 6 months on them (at another Uni) I was the first to submit.
Am I relieved? Yes, but I’ve really just transferred my anxiety to new points of focus. Will I pass? What will the examiners say? (I think this will be contingent on which of my four nominated take the gig, 2 are arts management and 2 are critical leadership scholars.) Will I ever get a paid job again? (I’ve been rejected for 2 roles in the last month, but timing is an issue as I’m heading overseas shortly.) Do I want to continue with academia at all? (I was asked about a post-doc application recently, but I need to get some strong publications out before that is even worth seriously thinking about.) Will I ever get published?
Today is the first day I’ve had a chance to stop and think, I went straight from submission to a weekend away (learning to bake leavened bread) then a frantic rush getting a conference paper in last night. This week I’m back working on some research with my local contacts and my mother arrives on Thursday (!!!) There’s no real holiday planned until I head overseas in July. Until then it is all about publications and my presentation to AIMAC in Beijing in June.
But what are the initial thoughts about my PhD journey (sorry, I hate that word but it is apt.)
- Everything I was told at the start, about the need for physical, mental and emotional wellbeing support, was true. Listen to that early advice.
- The networks I made in my first year, through orientation and workshops, were crucial to survival through the process.
- The period of completing the first draft, from July to December 2016, was probably the toughest period I’ve ever had psychologically. I questioned every life decision I ever made, from career choices to my marriage. I was so lost in the process I couldn’t separate the PhD pain from any thing else. Having a counsellor through that time would have helped.
- Comparatively my PhD experience to date has been easy. I haven’t had to work significant hours to support myself (though the work I did do, teaching, research work and with arts organisations, helped bolster me intellectually, financially and creatively), my marriage is intact (and I can’t say the same for all my peers), my health is good (I need to lose 12kg but that’s not life threatening) and those closest to me are well. Speaking to colleagues I know how lucky I have been.
- The time from the end of draft one to submission was actually sort of nice. Hard work but you could see the end and the the progress you were making.
- Having a tough editor was frustrating, in the sense it took forever, but it has turned a very average document into one I hope will pass and I learned from him.
- Every time I re-read the final draft I made changes. And half of those changes ended up mucking something else up. One <enter> and everything goes pear-shaped. I found missing periods on the first page on the LAST DAY. It will never be perfect.
- There’s always a new avenue to take. This morning I just came across a 2008 paper by one of my potential examiners that would have been a vital addition. I can’t believe I didn’t find it before. I have a strong suspicion this will bite me in the a** if she (or her peer) are the ones examining. Reading it I felt sick with all the potential arguments I have left unaddressed. But it is what it is, you have to stop at some point.
I’m preparing myself for 7 months of limbo. Holiday, revisions, attempting to publish and really thinking about my next career. I want to be creative in my job search, while I will have a crack at publications and post-doc work, I’m not setting my heart on it. But I can’t go back to earning $20 an hour in an arts job I’m over qualified for. The PhD has taught me so much, my skills are far more advanced than they were 4 years ago. I want to be able to use them in a context that suits my values. (I’m very fortunate to have space to look, I’m supported.)
I’ll be back for a few more posts to communicate how it all worked out…before I draw a line under PhD 2017.